Quotes

"I also found myself un-married about 20 years ago but I let the housework do itself.  If you open all the windows on a windy day, the dust balls roll around the house like tumbleweed and collect in the corners.  The ants eat most of the food off the dishes so I don't have to wash them (sometimes, they get stuck in the syrup but I just brush them off into the dustbin). The dog takes care of the cat box for me.  I have my own unique eco system here.  Would you like to come to visit sometime?"

"Planning for the future without a sense of history is like planting cut flowers."

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

"Not to know what happened before your own birth is to always be a child"

'It is for everyone who desires to be preserved from the excesses of popular feeling and to prevent the community to which he belongs from plunging into riotous and blind commotions, to keep his own judgement and emotions as free as possible from a power that seizes all it can reach, draws them into its current, and sweeps all it can round and round like the Maelstrom, until they are overwhelmed and buried in its devouring vortex. When others are heated, the only wisdom is to determine to keep cool; whenever a people or an individual is rishing headlong, IT IS A DUTY OF PATRIOTISM and of FRIENDSHIP TO CHECK THE MOTION.' Salem Witchcraft, Published in 1867

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

"Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job." George W to Brown 9/2/05

"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and those are the ones you want to concentrate on." (joking?) at a Gridiron Club dinner, Washington, D.C., March 2001.

"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your common sense."

"Many pundits argue that there is a substantive difference between the Republican and Democrat Parties. There is but one difference that I can see. They are both trying to sell you dog shit. The Democrats claim that it is really organic chocolate truffle frozen yogurt which will provide you with all the vitamins and minerals you will need on a daily basis, provide an IQ boost of 50 points to your offspring and burn up to 10 lbs. of belly fat each day. The Republicans just tell you to eat it or starve. Either way you still end up with a belly full of shit."

"I've met many highly educated people through out my life and in a significant number them that education seems to replaced rather than enhanced their common sense."

"The one thing that is certain is that nothing is certain."

In a eulogy for Jack Benny given by Bob Hope. "...he was eternally stingy. He only gave us 80 years."

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

“Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can’t lose.”

In his memoir, “Gaily, Gaily", Ben Hecht describes his years as a cub reporter at The Chicago Daily Journal starting in 1910. The first thing Hecht did was get his girlfriend, who was “in harlot servitude” when they met, hired as the “first girl reporter” at the paper for $12 a week by pretending she was a Van Arsdale who was a niece of Edith Wharton. When she got caught selling her services in the newsroom, Hecht’s cynical Irish editor advised him that reforming women was a time-waster. “The female, from birth onward, is a mist of lies,” the editor intoned. “And her white belly is a shrine for swindle and delusion.”

"Behind every great fortune there is a crime."

"I heard from God just the other night. God always seems to call at night. 'Andrew,' God said to me |he always calls me 'Andrew.' I like that ... 'Andrew', you have the eyes and ears of a lot of people. I wish you'd tell your viewers that both Pat Robertson and Mel Gibson strike me as wachos... They're crazy as bedbugs.'"

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."

"Freedom is when the people can speak, democracy is when the government listens."